How I (try to) deal with jealousy

I’m a very jealous person. You probably don’t know this about me even if you know me very well, because I do my best to try and hide it.

Let me elaborate on what I mean by that. I’m not really jealous in the sense of seeing someone driving a nice car and wanting one. It’s in an emotional sense; I find it quite hard to see other people having closer relationships with my friends than I do.

I often see it as an all or nothing thing. Either I am the most important person in my friend’s life, or I don’t matter to them at all and they hate me.

Obviously, that isn’t how these things work in real life, I’m aware of that. Alas, that doesn’t stop me from having these thoughts more often than I’d like to admit.

Let me give you example.

My boyfriend often plays videogames online with his friend group. A couple of them are really talented artists, so they often make art of their and his OCs hanging out together - recently they made one of their Baldurs Gate characters.

I don’t show it, but when I see these pieces I often have quite mixed emotions. On one hand, they look really cool, and I’m happy for my boyfriend. But also. I feel jealous. And angry. For not being included.

It wouldn’t make much sense for me to actually be in any of these pictures. I do interact with the guys ocassionally, but I never really join in on any of the activities. Besides, even if I did it’s not like they’d suddenly be obligated to draw me.

I do recognize that, on some level. But that doesn’t change the feeling.

I used to deal with this by just repressing it, trying not to think about it. Making these emotions out to be “wrong”.

Long-term, that didn’t work.

Somewhat recently, I changed my approach though. These emotions are valid, because they’re mine. I’m allowed to feel that way. I’m allowed to be jealous, and It’s fine to be jealous. What matters is how you deal with these emotions. You can accept them without needing to act on them. Because these Situations can coexist.

I can both be jealous at the fact that I did not get included in that picture while also knowing that they have no obligation to include me.

And somehow, realizing that has made these emotions stop affecting me as much. Yes, I still do get jealous. But it passes quickly. When I see a new picture, I recognize that I’m jealous of my boyfriend getting free art, and then I move on. Because I don’t need to linger on these feelings anymore. Because I know it doesn’t matter, not really. I don’t need to feel bad about having these emotions, but I also don’t need them to define me.

I think part of the reason of why I tend to be quite jealous is because I hadn’t really had any meaningful relationships for a long time. It’s only in the past three or so years that I’ve actually gotten friends that care about me, and that tell me I matter.

I hadn’t really had that before. So, I guess to make up for it, I feel like I always have to be the most important person in their lives.

Because for ages, I spent so much time talking to people that did not care about me in the slightest and that i had no connection to.

On some level, I guess I fear reverting back to that. Having everyone put up a friendly veneer, but having noone really care.

That’s why I place so much importance on this, I think. Because for so long I’ve thought of myself as boring and unlovable. Like there’s no reason for anyone to care about me. So when I see people giving me affection I unconsciously think that this won’t last, that’s it’s just a stroke of luck.

So when I don’t constantly get reminded that I’m literally the most important person in their lives I start doubting that they even care about me.

This used to be really bad, but has gotten a lot more manageable now that I have a boyfriend. Because now I am someones most important person.

It helps, but it is just a bandaid fix. I should probably talk to a therapist about this at some point. I do still get jealous when I see him doing something with his friends. I do occassionally worry that he cares less about me than he does about them.

Again, I know this is stupid on a rational level. Iza is a great boyfriend, and i genuinely could not imagine a better partner if i tried. And I know that he loves me and really cares about me, and that that won’t change.

But it’s also alright to accept these feelings, even if they don’t make sense. They’re valid things to feel, because I feel them.

I can recognize that it’s an emotion I have, accept it, and then move on. I don’t need to hold onto these feelings by feeling guilty about them.

In a way, this is as much me explaining my thought process as it is me reaffirming these things to myself to make me feel better.

It’s a mix of both. I’m making this post both to offer advice to others and to re-assure my future self about these things.